One very important thing that had bothered me for years was that we don’t have an anniversary, Vin and I. I had scoured my text message logs, MSN chat history and photos from 2008, the year we met, but I had no record of when we officially became a couple. Our half-year courtship was “tainted” by the fact that my ex who had disappeared for a year, came back into my life. In one of my ancient blog posts, I wrote that I will have to tell Vin I was unable to accept him. But the ex was way over there, and Vin was here, and so after a long bout of trying to make up my mind, somehow, I had picked Vin. I just didn’t know when exactly. I don’t know of any couple who does not have an anniversary. Low #1.
Reading my past self breaks my heart. All the could-have-beens. And I am talking about a career path here. But back when I was a the prime of choosing my life’s direction, I lost motivation. I just went with the flow, hopping from one crazy job to another without aim. Is it too late? People say it’s never too late to make a change. But this is Singapore, and change is costly to the point of unaffordable. In a related note, I am feeling stuck with the mundane, zero-achievement job that I had just signed another year of contract for. I feel like I wasted 15+ years of schooling.Sure, it does not pay too shabbily, but still, it will never go anywhere. It is a dead-end job. I want to cry thinking about it. Shit, my tears are rolling down already.Low #2.
I’m kinda weaning off Facebook. Every time I scroll through the news feed, friends are announcing engagements, weddings, birth of their nth child, or just off travelling the world without a care. I read an article about some survey or research that found Facebook to be a major first world factor for depression and suicide. I can definitely see why, and could not agree more. People usually post when they have something to brag about, so it appears that they have a perfect life. I know that’s true and that everyone has shit to deal with. I just wish I had something to post and brag about. I used to, every other week. But I just got sick of feeling like a poser or attention-seeker. It has been almost a year since I changed my profile picture. I hate how I look in photos for the past year. It’s like my face got warped all of a sudden, and I don’t even recognize myself anymore. This, for someone who has taken selfies since 2004, is a massive devastation.Low #3.
Yes, this is a personal blog so I am allowed to be self-indulgent. Yes, I know people are dying all over the world from natural disasters and accidents and I still cry when I read the news so I am aware my problems are so damn trivial in comparison. But this is the only place I can vent, so please, let me be the self-absorbed brat who needs a spanking.