I’m losing hope.
Why would I have any hope to begin with anyway? There hasn’t been the tiniest sign that could have made me feel like maybe, possibly, we had a chance.
I can’t tell if my note had been intentionally ignored or because you didn’t even see it. Either way, it’s not good for me.
Serves me right? No way, no how for a do-over? I know that’s what you’d say, if you’re still you.
The thing is, I’m not delusional. I remember every hurtful thing you’ve said to me, every time you thought you couldn’t trust me, and the countless fights we had because you felt that every guy friend I had was a direct threat. And I get it. Why would you trust someone you’ve never actually met?
Also, I remember the hell I went through, searching for you, crying oceans for you, when you disappeared without a trace for an entire year.
I remember, that fateful day when I stumbled across (ok I checked your email because I still hadn’t quite given up hope) your email exchange with your cousin, detailing what happened to you. I still recall my feelings as I read it, my heart jumping out of my chest, like the world around me just came crashing down. Because you said you were so ill that you almost died and I felt that I was so close to losing you. Because you didn’t leave me for someone else after all. Because after all that I went through whim you were gone, you didn’t even have the decency to reach out to me the moment you got better, instead writing to your cousin about me. Us.
I was devastated that you were suffering but even more so that you had already found out I was with someone else. Because if I had known why you had to go away for a bit, I would have waited no matter what and how long it took for you to recover.
You said you had to go missing because you thought that was for my own good. Well, as I’ve told you before, you couldn’t be more wrong. But I suppose you realised that the hard way when you return to find that someone else was taking care of me, picking up the broken pieces of my heart that you left behind. You were so mad that said horrible things about me your cousin who was surprisingly, thankfully, more understanding of the situation and sided me.
It was the time when I had just started my very first proper job. I was a lost soul, young, broken hearted and confused. You came back the very moment I had accepted someone new after I spent months of contemplation and finally felt certain that you had left me for good.
I was overjoyed to hear from you again but still, I couldn’t deal with the fact that you were thousands of miles away.
The final straw came when the gigantic green-eyed monster in you wrote nasty things to the one who was taking me away from you.
You want to know the truth? I left you because I felt so so so bad about those emails and so I had to make it up to him on your behalf, by accepting him. But for months after that, I was still kicking myself for giving up the love of my life. That’s you.
And guess what.. it’s almost SEVEN years later and there’s rarely a day that goes by without you crossing my mind.
I need one of two things – you, or closure.
And I’m dying inside to hold you.
Why I’m writing on this instead of just moving on like a normal human despite knowing you may never see this, I have no idea.
But if I die tomorrow, then this would be your closure.