The Weekend That Was: Of Cheesecakes and Pork Chops

Hello, my silent readers,  how was your weekend?

I spent mine cooking and singing and watching movies on my computer. Does that sound sad? It’s not. I relished the load of me-time and couldn’t stop counting the hours I had left till the weekend ended.

Made a steamed lemon cheese cake, whipping up the egg whites by hand because I didn’t feel like messing up my hand mixer. Lazy but not lazy. My arms nearly fell off, but the soft peaks of the egg whites were so gratifying, and supposedly, whipping by hand gave the cake more personality. Yeah, right!

Made two kinds of pork chops (cayenne-rubbed and chinese five-spice-rubbed) because I couldn’t stand having the pork loin staring out at me from the freezer any longer. Suffice to say, I had a spankin’ lunch and dinner!

I have just one more weekend that is all mine, before my Sunday Escapades commence in Mid-July, so I’m off to search for the next great oven-less recipe to tinker with. Ciao!

Love The One You’re With?

Feeling silly and guilt-ridden. There I was, spending most of my time missing someone who seems comfortable cutting all ties, when the one who had been patiently loving and caring for me despite my insane shortcomings was right in front of me.

But there’s one thing I really don’t understand. Why the drastic measure to delete your entire Facebook account? Most people, if they are sick and tired of FB, they just stop logging in. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but something’s up. Or maybe you just decided to set up a new account, one that does not have me in it.

Guess it’s true what they say – Love the one you’re with. It’s time to let go…. isn’t it?

I Remember

I’m losing hope.

Why would I have any hope to begin with anyway? There hasn’t been the tiniest sign that could have made me feel like maybe, possibly, we had a chance.

I can’t tell if my note had been intentionally ignored or because you didn’t even see it. Either way, it’s not good for me.

Serves me right? No way, no how for a do-over? I know that’s what you’d say, if you’re still you.

The thing is, I’m not delusional. I remember every hurtful thing you’ve said to me, every time you thought you couldn’t trust me, and the countless fights we had because you felt that every guy friend I had was a direct threat. And I get it. Why would you trust someone you’ve never actually met?

Also, I remember the hell I went through, searching for you, crying oceans for you,  when you disappeared without a trace for an entire year.

I remember, that fateful day when I stumbled across (ok I checked your email because I still hadn’t quite given up hope) your email exchange with your cousin, detailing what happened to you. I still recall my feelings as I read it, my heart jumping out of my chest, like the world around me just came crashing down. Because you said you were so ill that you almost died and I felt that I was so close to losing you. Because you didn’t leave me for someone else after all. Because after all that I went through whim you were gone, you didn’t even have the decency to reach out to me the moment you got better, instead writing to your cousin about me. Us.

I was devastated that you were suffering but even more so that you had already found out I was with someone else. Because if I had known why you had to go away for a bit, I would have waited no matter what and how long it took for you to recover.

You said you had to go missing because you thought that was for my own good. Well, as I’ve told you before, you couldn’t be more wrong. But I suppose you realised that the hard way when you return to find that someone else was taking care of me, picking up the broken pieces of my heart that you left behind. You were so mad that said horrible things about me your cousin who was surprisingly, thankfully, more understanding of the situation and sided me.

It was the time when I had just started my very first proper job. I was a lost soul, young, broken hearted and confused. You came back the very moment I had accepted someone new after I spent months of contemplation and finally felt certain that you had left me for good.

I was overjoyed to hear from you again but still, I couldn’t deal with the fact that you were thousands of miles away.

The final straw came when the gigantic green-eyed monster in you wrote nasty things to the one who was taking me away from you.

You want to know the truth? I left you because I felt so so so bad about those emails and so I had to make it up to him on your behalf, by accepting him. But for months after that, I was still kicking myself for giving up the love of my life. That’s you.

And guess what..  it’s almost SEVEN years later and there’s rarely a day that goes by without you crossing my mind.

I need one of two things – you, or closure.

And I’m dying inside to hold you.

Why I’m writing on this instead of just moving on like a normal human despite knowing you may never see this, I have no idea.

But if I die tomorrow, then this would be your closure.

Missing You

When I’m laughing and seem to be having the best time of my life, my heart is really aching inside, missing, yearning, pining for you. The harder I laugh, the closer I feel to tears. There is a heavy feeling tugging at my insides, and I am completely helpless because it is not reciprocated, because you have no idea.

It’s been years… but some things don’t change, some feelings don’t go away, and some broken hearts can never mend.

Are you healthy and well? How much have you changed? Would it be the same as when we were one?

Are you… in love with someone new? I want to know yet I don’t really want to know because I may not be able to take it.

I am infinitely sorry. I can’t undo what I did back then in my weakest, most vulnerable phase of my life, and it hurts that I may never be forgiven. But regrets are always pointless, and everyday, I just die a little inside until what is left of me is an empty shell.

What is worth a second chance to you?

Mount Kinabalu Earthquake

By now, news of the deadly earthquake that killed 16 at Mount Kinabalu in the early hours of Friday, 5 June, would have reached the rest of the word. I felt like kicking myself as the news was relayed to me by my other non-Malaysian colleagues only later that day, when I should have been the first to know.

Anyway, this post is not about me.

Everyone is blaming this group of foreign imbeciles (2 Canadians, 2 Dutch, 1 German) for stripping naked during their climb last month which is said to have triggered the wrath of the mountain’s spirits. While I’d also like to condemn these douchebags who had absolutely no respect for the culture and law in other countries deemed lowly compared to their first world homeland, the quake did not punish them. It killed children. It killed educators. It killed a well-loved, heroic mountain guide. There is just not rhyme or reason for Mother Nature to act out. Whether in natural disasters or man-caused wars, it is often the innocent that gets sacrificed. It all boils down to your luck, your fate, your destiny. Once you are in the wrong place at the wrong time, that is the end of you. I am therefore so infinitely thankful that my family and I made it up beautiful Mount K just over two year ago, without incident. Two of my colleagues had just gone up a couple of weeks ago and made it back safely as well. We were all truly blessed. My dad is pretty upset as we had only recently talked about scaling it again, just him and me. Now the trail is decimated, and it may take months, even years, to be safe again. I feel sorry for those who had not had the opportunity to admire the magnificent views from the peak that would leave anyone at a lost for words. I just wish and pray that these major tragedies would stop hitting Malaysia. It certainly put this little country on the map, but not for good reasons. Can you imagine how scary it is to hear that a place you had been to and about to go again, is now a tragic site or death and destruction? Makes my heart tight just thinking about it. To the victims of the quake, may you rest in peace. To the mountain guides, the unsung heroes, never lose faith.